Four Lessons From Our Four-Year Relationship (Plus Four More from Hugh)

Hello! In honor of our 4th anniversary today, I brought in a special guest! We were at the tail end of college when Hugh and I started dating. Now it seems like we were babies (see the photo towards the end of this post for proof)! Definitely a lot of maturing has happened during these four years. We’re clearly not relationship experts (we’re not even married), but we are very intentional in our relationship and making it exceptional.

I’m going to share four lessons I’ve learned in these four years together, then Hugh will share four he’s learned! We wrote them separately, but you’ll see there’s some overlapping comments about each other (which made me smile).

I hope our lists spark conversation with your S.O. or convince you to reflect on what you’ve learned in past or current relationships. I’ll start!

Megan’s Four Lessons

Ask for what you want

And don’t feel guilty for wanting whatever it is. For a while when Hugh first moved in, I was afraid to tell him which chores I wanted him to do or when I needed time alone without talking. I eventually broke down and realized he didn’t see me having needs as needy (seems obvious now). Your partner wants you to be happy, but he/she won’t know how to help with that if you don’t share what you want.

Separate hobbies are just as important as mutual interests

When we first started dating, we spent a LOT of time together. We had so many common interests (craft beer, cooking shows, trying new restaurants) and had overlapping friend groups, so we did almost everything together. Since then, we’ve learned how much better off we are doing our own thing at least a few times per week. This is usually a weekly guys night for Hugh and happy hour with girlfriends or a workout class for me. Or he can play his video games while I can write a blog post or meal prep or listen to a podcast. It gives us more to talk about and support each other in.

His way is not necessarily wrong

I like having things done my way. But his way is sometimes better and almost always okay. This can mean how the dishwasher is loaded, where we’re going to dinner, anything. Just because you think you’re right doesn’t mean your partner’s (or anyone else’s) way isn’t also right. Communicating our perspectives or reasons to each other helped me realize this.

Common language helps communication

Communication is universally known as critical in a relationship. I definitely agree. Developing skills in explaining my perspective, listening to his, and sharing understanding is an ongoing process. I’ve found that having common language is super helpful. This can be from reading the same book (like the Five Love Languages), listening to the same podcasts (like RISE Together or the Husband and Wife Podcast), or even just talking through how each of you define certain things. We’ve found this to make misunderstandings a little less likely.

Okay, Hugh’s turn!

Hugh’s Four Lessons

She is only saying that because she cares about you

Sometimes, Megan will say something that can be seen as criticism. At first, I thought she was just a perfectionist and had to have things a particular way. Then, I noticed she didn’t do that for anyone else, except sometimes her family. I quickly came to realize that Megan only says these things to people she cares about and is genuinely trying to help them improve themselves. I now take any form of tiny criticism that she gives me as a sign that she isn’t bored of me yet, so as of right now, I’m still doing okay.

Encourage growth and change

When I first graduated school, it was clear that Megan was the mature one, and not by a small margin. At first, Megan was definitely annoyed with me for not contributing around the apartment, until she realized that all she had to do was ask. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do anything, it was that I didn’t see what needed to be done or realize that in the real world, you can’t always do things on your own time line when sharing a space with another person. What has helped me continue to grow is whenever Megan simply gives me a “good job” or a “thank you.” Megan recognizing my contributions encourages me to continue and make them, and it also helped me enter the real world and leave my college apartment life behind.

You can’t fix everything

“What’s wrong, babe?” “I don’t know.” This exchange used to make me frustrated when we first starting dating. How can you not know what’s making you upset? It’s literally in your brain right now, so let’s figure this out and make you happy! Nope. It turns out that it is possible to be thinking about so many different things that you can’t pinpoint what or why you’re upset. That’s where learning I can’t actually fix it came into play. I can, however, be supportive. I can ask how she’s feeling, listen to her current dilemma, and simply be there for her. Your partner isn’t sharing to be fixed – sometimes they just need you to bounce things off of. Making yourself available even when you don’t understand what’s going on is huge, and realizing that has helped me tremendously in the years we have been together.

Forgive, forget, but learn

Megan and I have had arguments that lead to us needing to cool off. One thing I am proud of is that we always go back. We talk to each other afterwards, find out where the breakdown was, and apologize. We forgive, try and forget, and learn. We discuss what made us upset, what could have been said so that we wouldn’t get upset in the first place, and ask if there is anything else pertaining to this argument we need to talk about. It helps me a ton, especially because I am the king of off-handed remarks that I don’t always mean. This has helped me be more cognizant of everything (okay, like a solid 70 percent) of what I say to her, and others in general.

Which lesson resonated with YOU?

I’d love to hear what you thought about our lessons. Comment below with which stood out to you!